Wednesday, November 28, 2012
Saturday, November 3, 2012
AGE APPROPRIATE
AGE APPROPRIATE
The older we get...
ONE.
Recently, when I went to McDonald's, I saw on the menu that you could have an order of six, nine, or 12
Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen
nuggets. 'We don't have half dozen nuggets,'
said the teenager at the counter. 'You don't?' I replied. 'We only have six, nine, or 12,' was the reply. 'So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?'
'That's right.' So I shook my head and ordered
six McNuggets.
(Unbelievable but sadly true...)
TWO.
I was checking out at the local Walmart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those 'dividers' that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the 'divider,' looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code, she said to me, 'Do you know how much this is?' I said to her, 'I've changed my mind; I don't think I'll buy that today.' She said 'OK,' and I paid her for the things I'd bought and left.
She had no clue to what had just happened.
THREE.
I saw a woman at work putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly.
When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM 'thingy.'
(Keep shuddering!)
FOUR.
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. 'Do you need some help?' I
asked. She replied, 'I knew I should have
replaced the battery to this remote door
unlocker. Now I can't get into my car.
Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?'
'Hmmm, I don't know. Do you have an
alarm, too?' I asked 'No, just this remote
thingy,' she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually
unlocked the door, I replied, 'Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk....'
(PLEASE just lay down before you hurt yourself!)
FIVE.
Several years ago, we had an intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, 'I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?' 'Just use paper from the photocopier', the secretary told her.
With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five 'blank' copies.
(Brunette, by the way!)
SIX.
A mother calls 911 very worried, asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room - the kid had eaten ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and he should be fine. The mother says, 'I just gave him some ant killer...' Dispatcher: 'Rush him in to emergency!'
(Life is tough. It's even tougher if you're
stupid!)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Someone had to remind me, so I'm reminding you, too. Don't laugh...it is all true!
Perks
of reaching 50 or being over 60 and heading towards 70!
01. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
02. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
03. No one expects you to run -
anywhere.
04. People call at 9 PM and ask,"Did I wake you?"
05. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
06. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
07. Things you buy now won't wear out.
08 You can eat supper at 4 PM.
09. You can live without sex but not your glasses.
10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
12. You quit trying to hold your
stomach in no matter who walks into the room.
13. You sing along with elevator
music.
14. Your eyes won't get much
worse.
15. Your investment in health
insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
16. Your joints are more accurate
meteorologists than the national weather service.
17. Your secrets are safe with your
friends because they can't remember them either.
18. Your supply of brain cells is
finally down to manageable size.
19. You can't remember who sent you this list.
20. And you notice these are all in BIG PRINT for your convenience.
The older we get...
ONE.
Recently, when I went to McDonald's, I saw on the menu that you could have an order of six, nine, or 12
Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen
nuggets. 'We don't have half dozen nuggets,'
said the teenager at the counter. 'You don't?' I replied. 'We only have six, nine, or 12,' was the reply. 'So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?'
'That's right.' So I shook my head and ordered
six McNuggets.
(Unbelievable but sadly true...)
TWO.
I was checking out at the local Walmart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those 'dividers' that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the 'divider,' looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code, she said to me, 'Do you know how much this is?' I said to her, 'I've changed my mind; I don't think I'll buy that today.' She said 'OK,' and I paid her for the things I'd bought and left.
She had no clue to what had just happened.
THREE.
I saw a woman at work putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly.
When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM 'thingy.'
(Keep shuddering!)
FOUR.
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. 'Do you need some help?' I
asked. She replied, 'I knew I should have
replaced the battery to this remote door
unlocker. Now I can't get into my car.
Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?'
'Hmmm, I don't know. Do you have an
alarm, too?' I asked 'No, just this remote
thingy,' she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually
unlocked the door, I replied, 'Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk....'
(PLEASE just lay down before you hurt yourself!)
FIVE.
Several years ago, we had an intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, 'I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?' 'Just use paper from the photocopier', the secretary told her.
With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five 'blank' copies.
(Brunette, by the way!)
SIX.
A mother calls 911 very worried, asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room - the kid had eaten ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and he should be fine. The mother says, 'I just gave him some ant killer...' Dispatcher: 'Rush him in to emergency!'
(Life is tough. It's even tougher if you're
stupid!)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Someone had to remind me, so I'm reminding you, too. Don't laugh...it is all true!
Perks
of reaching 50 or being over 60 and heading towards 70!
01. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
02. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
03. No one expects you to run -
anywhere.
04. People call at 9 PM and ask,"Did I wake you?"
05. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
06. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
07. Things you buy now won't wear out.
08 You can eat supper at 4 PM.
09. You can live without sex but not your glasses.
10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
12. You quit trying to hold your
stomach in no matter who walks into the room.
13. You sing along with elevator
music.
14. Your eyes won't get much
worse.
15. Your investment in health
insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
16. Your joints are more accurate
meteorologists than the national weather service.
17. Your secrets are safe with your
friends because they can't remember them either.
18. Your supply of brain cells is
finally down to manageable size.
19. You can't remember who sent you this list.
20. And you notice these are all in BIG PRINT for your convenience.
Friday, November 2, 2012
WHAT IS AN INFIDEL ?
WHAT IS AN INFIDEL ?
This is a true story and the author,
Rick Mathes, is a well-known
leader in prison ministry
******************************
The man who walks with God always gets to his destination. If you have a pulse you have a purpose.
The Muslim religion is the fastest growing religion per capita in the United States, especially in the minority races!!
Last month I attended my annual training session that's required for maintaining my state prison security clearance.
During the training session there was a presentation by three speakers representing the Roman Catholic, Protestant, and Muslim faiths, who each explained their beliefs.
I was particularly interested in what the Islamic had to say. The Muslim gave a great presentation of the basics of Islam, complete with a video. After the presentations, time was provided for questions and answers then it was my turn. I directed my question to the Muslim and asked:
'Please, correct me if I'm wrong, but I understand that most Imams and clerics of Islam have declared a holy jihad [Holy war] against the infidels of the world and, that by killing an infidel, (which is a command to all Muslims) they are assured of a place in heaven. If that's the case, can you give me the definition of an infidel?'
There was no disagreement with my statements and, without hesitation, he replied, 'Non-believers!'
I responded, 'So, let me make sure I have this straight. All followers of Allah have been commanded to kill everyone who is not of your faith so they can have a place in heaven.
Is that correct?'
The expression on his face changed from one of authority and command to that of a little boy who had just been caught with his hand in the cookie jar.
He sheepishly replied, 'Yes.'
I then stated, 'Well, sir, I have a real problem trying to imagine The Pope commanding all Catholics to kill those of your faith or Dr. Stanley ordering all Protestants to do the same in order to guarantee them a place in heaven!'
The Muslim was speechless! I continued, 'I also have a problem with being your friend when you and your brother clerics are telling your followers to kill me!
Let me ask you a question:
Would you rather have your Allah, who tells you to kill me in order for you to go to heaven, or my Jesus who tells me to love you because I am going to heaven and He wants you to be there with me?'
You could have heard a pin drop as the Imam hung his head in shame.
Needless to say, the organizers and/or promoters of the 'Diversification' training seminar were not happy with my way of dealing with the Islamic Imam, and exposing the truth about the Muslims' beliefs.
In twenty years there will be enough Muslim voters in the U.S. to elect the President!
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