Abortion in the ears.....Brilliant!

Abortion in the ears.....Brilliant!

This is a short story written by Dr Kishore Shah....he is a gynaecologist in Pune
and a very gifted writer....enjoy this extremely funny story.

My wife is an ENT Surgeon while I am a Gynaecologist, and we both practise in the
same hospital. This can lead to some complications, as I recently learned to my anguish.

A General Practitioner rang me and told me that she is sending a patient of hers for an abortion.

Unknown to me, she had also referred a female with ear-wax for removal of the wax to
my wife.

I duly informed the receptionist to send the patient right in as she was expected
(and expecting!)

As Murphy's Law would have it (and Murphy lays down the laws of our hospital), it
was but natural that the patient who wanted the wax removed from her ear, landed up
with me (while all the time I'm thinking that this is the lady who wants the abortion).

This is the conversation that I had with the patient..

"Please come in. Be seated." I said with a big smile (I always have a big smile,
when I am going to earn some money).

The patient gave a feeble smile and sat hesitantly on the edge of the chair.

"Relax."

"Doctor, will this hurt a lot?"

"Not at all."

The patient relaxed visibly. "You know something, Doctor, we tried removing it at
home, but failed." I was shocked.

"Thank God. Trying this at home can cause serious complications. "

"I first tried to remove it by jumping up and down, but it just wouldn't budge."

I smiled and said, "If it were that easy, who would need doctors?"

She gave a cute smile and said, "Yeah! My neighbour tried to remove it with
his finger, but the hole is so small that he used a hair pin."

"Oh my God!"

"Yes! My mother even tried a matchstick."

My blood pressure was shooting skywards. I just sputtered without uttering a word.

"Tell me, doctor, how do I avoid getting this dirt inside me?"

I knew that it was an unwanted pregnancy, but calling it dirt was too much. I
replied a bit angrily, "There are tablets which can prevent this happening. Or you
could use protection at night."

It was the patient's turn to be confused, "You mean to say that it happens only at
night?"

I saw her point. "No! No! I meant anytime of the day, whenever you are in the mood,
you should use protection."

She was even more confused, "It depends on my moods?"

Again I saw her point. "My mistake. You need not be in any sort of mood. It just
happens."

"My neighbour advised me to go to one of those chaps who sit by the roadside."

"You mean that pin man?"

"Yeah!"

This neighbour of hers seemed to be a very dangerous man. Besides using pins, he
was sending her to such quacks. The only safety he knew was among the pins. "You
were wise not to heed his advice."

"But I tried his other advice. He told me to put warm oil inside and wait. However,
that also did not work."

This was getting more and more bizarre. Her neighbour deserved to be
locked up either in a padded cell or a barred one.

"But have you taken your husband's permission?"

Now the patient looked confused.. "Do I have to take my husband's permission?

Because if you need his signature, he is working in Dubai . We have
not been able to meet for the last one year."

It was my turn to be shocked. I gave a sly smirk. It was one of
'those' cases.The pin-wielding neighbour seemed to me the usual suspect. I
reassured her. "No!No! The husband's signature is not at all needed."

"However, I did inform him over the telephone."

Her husband seemed to me to be a very broad-minded fellow. I didn't
know whether to congratulate her or to commiserate with her. So I hastily turned
to other aspects.

"Its good that you came in a bit early."

"Actually I wanted to come early in the morning, but I had some other
work."

"Oh! I did not mean early today. I meant that if you had delayed this
removal, it would have started moving. Then it would have developed a heartbeat."

The patient was staring at me wide-eyed as if watching a horror movie.
Looking at her face, I decided that she was not fit to listen to the grotesque
details. i decided to relieve her a bit. I said, "You will bleed a bit, but only
for a few days."

By now, the poor patient was trembling, "H-h-h-h-how much bleeding?"

"Oh, only slightly more than your menstrual period, and it will continue only for a
week or so."

By now the patient was clutching her hair in her fingers and staring at me
wide-eyed. I told her soothingly, "Why don't you lie down on the examination table?
Remove your clothes and relax."

That was the final straw. She didn't even wish me goodbye. I saw just a blur of
motion leaving my consulting room at top speed!!!!

Wonder how things went with my wife who was landed with the pregnant lady wanting an
abortion?!?!?!