Men is like...

What's the difference between a man and Bigfoot?
One is covered with matted hair and smells awful. The other has big feet.

What does a man call true love?
An erection.

Why is a man like a moped?
They're both fun to ride until your friends see you with one.

What's the difference between a man and a parrot?
You can teach a parrot to talk nicely.

What's the difference between a marriage and a mental hospital?
At a mental hospital you have to show improvement to get out.

What is six inches long, two inches wide and make men act like fools?
Money.

What's the most effective birth control device for men.
Their manners.

What's a dumb man's martini?
An olive in a glass of beer.

How do men define insomnia?
Waking up every few days.

Why are marriend women heavier than single women?
Single women come home, see what's in the refrigerator and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the refrigerator.

Why don't men believe in paternity tests?
Because the sample is taken from their finger.

Men are proof of reincarnation.
You can't get that dumb in just one lifetime.

Nobody can call him a quitter.
He always gets fired.

Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.

Why does the man bother?
He's hoping for a lucky stroke.
Mine.

Why do male bosses have such poor grammar?
Because they end every sentence with a proposition.

Why don't men cook at home?
No one's invented a steak that will fit in the toaster.

Wife: "I won the lottery! Five million dollars. Whoo-ee--start packing!"
Husband "That's great!!! What should I pack?"
Wife: "Whatever you want, just be out of the house by the time I get there"

Behind every great woman is a man telling her she's ignoring him.

Behind every great man is a puzzled woman.

What did God say after she made Eve?
"Practice makes perfect."

How does a woman know the man is cheating on her?
He starts bathing twice a week.

He keeps a record of everything he eats.
It's called a tie.

What's the one thing that keeps most men out of college?
High School.

Husband: "This coffee isn't fit for a pig!"
Wife: "No problem, I'll get you some that is."

We try to keep him out of the kitchen.
Last time he cooked he burned the salad.

Why don't men eat between meals.
There *IS* no "between" meals.

What's the quickest way to lose 190 pounds of ugly fat?
Divorce him.

What is the definition of an inconsiderate husband?
One who wins a trip to Paris and goes by himself, twice.

How do women define a 50/50 relationship?
We cook/they eat; We clean/they dirt; We iron/ they wrinkle. How are men like noodles?
They are always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need dough.

Why don't men do laundry?
Cause the washer and dryer don't run on remote control!

What do you call a woman that works like a man??
A Lazy bitch.

Why is urine yellow and sperm white?
So men can tell if they are coming or going.

What's the difference between a man and a cow?
One brain cell that prevents them from shitting all over the place!

Did you hear about the baby born with both sexes?
It had a penis AND a brain!

Why are men with pierced ears are better prepared for marriage.
They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

How do most men define marriage?
A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.

Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?
Because they don't have balls to scratch.

Why are men like popcorn?
They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

What's the difference between an intelligent man and a UFO?
I don't know, I've never seen either one.

Lucy the Hominid

Why do women live longer than men? Simple: Men are stupid! Or, at least men do stupid things.

Why do women live longer than men?
Simple: Men are stupid! Or, at least men do stupid things.

funny cartoon EURO 2012

After Chelsea won Champions League final 2012, English media has now started to dream for Euro 2012. But reality is, it is not going to be so easy. Here are some funny pictures of England Football Team for Euro 2012

Five Favourite Funny Safety Fire Jokes

Five Favourite Funny Safety Fire Jokes




1. How is it that one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start your barbecue?

2. A fireman had two sons. What did he name them?

Hosea and Hoseb

3. Bryan calls the fire department and says, 'Yes, I have just had my front yard landscaped, I have a nice new flower bed, a new fish pond with a fountain and a new rose garden.'



'Very nice too,' Martin, the fire-fighter says, 'but what does that have to do with the fire service?'



'Well, it's like this,' Bryan answers, 'the house next door is on fire and I don't want you to trample my front yard.'

4.When the employees of a restaurant attended a fire safety seminar, they watched a fire official demonstrate the proper way to operate an extinguisher.



'Pull the pin like a hand grenade,' he explained, 'then depress the trigger to release the foam.'



Later an employee was selected to extinguish a controlled fire in the parking lot. In her nervousness, she forgot to pull the pin. The instructor hinted, 'Like a hand grenade, remember?'



In a burst of confidence she pulled the pin, and hurled the extinguisher at the blaze.

5.Fire investigators on Maui, Hawaii, USA, have determined the cause of a blaze that destroyed a $127,000 home last month: a short circuit in the homeowner's newly installed fire prevention alarm system.



'This is even worse than last year,' said the distraught homeowner, 'when someone broke in and stole my new security system.'

Keeper

Keeper

I  grew up with practical parents. A mother, God love her, who washed
aluminum foil after she cooked in it, then reused it. She was the
original recycle queen, before they had a name for it... A father who
was happier getting old shoes fixed than buying new ones.

Their marriage was good, their dreams focused. Their best friends 
lived barely a wave away..

I can see them now, Dad in trousers, tee shirt and a hat and Mom in a
house dress, lawn mower in one hand, and dish-towel in the other. It
was the time for fixing things.. A curtain rod, the kitchen radio,
screen door, the oven door, the hem in a dress. Things we keep.

It was a way of life, and  sometimes it made me crazy.. All that
re-fixing, eating, renewing, I wanted just once to be wasteful. Waste
meant affluence. Throwing things away meant you knew there'd always be
more.

But then my mother died, and on that clear summer's night, in the
warmth of the hospital room, I was struck with the pain of learning
that sometimes there isn't any more.

Sometimes, what we care about most gets all used up and goes
away...never to return.. So... while we have it..... it's best we love
it.... and care for it... and fix it when it's broken......... and
heal it when it's sick.

This is true. for marriage....... and old cars...... and children with
bad report cards..... and dogs with bad hips.... and aging
parents...... and grandparents. We keep them because they are worth
it, because we are worth it.
Some things we keep. Like a  best friend that moved away or a
classmate we grew up with.

There are just some things that make life important, like people we
know who are special........ and so, we keep them close!

I received this from someone who thinks I am a 'keeper', so I've sent
it to the people I think of in the same way... Now it's your turn to
send this to those people that are "keepers" in your life.  Good
friends are like stars.... You don't always see them, but you know
they are always there.  Keep them close!

TEN THINGS GOD WON'T ASK ON THAT DAY.

1.... God won't ask what kind of car you drove. He'll ask how many
people you drove who didn't have transportation..

2.... God won't ask the square footage of your house, He'll ask how 
many people you welcomed into your home.

3.... God won't  ask about the clothes you had in your closet, He'll
ask how many you helped to clothe.

4.... God won't ask what your highest salary was. He'll ask if you 
compromised your character to obtain it.

5.... God won't ask what your job title was. He'll ask if you
performed your job to the best of your ability.

6.... God won't ask how many friends you had. He'll ask how many
people to whom you were a friend.

7.... God won't ask in what neighborhood you lived, He'll ask how you
treated your neighbors.

8.... God won't ask about the color of your skin, He'll ask about the 
content of your character.

9.... God won't ask why it took you so long to seek Salvation. He'll
lovingly take you to your mansion in heaven, and not to the gates of
Hell.

10.... God won't have to ask how many people you forwarded this to, He already knows your decision.

hug a tree